What I’m Learning in Midlife (That I Thought I Knew Already)

Let me tell you something I've realized lately.

At this big grown age, I am still learning lessons I thought I should have mastered by now.

I'm learning what I have the capacity for and what I don't.

I'm learning what actually matters and what really doesn't.

And I'm learning that some of the things I believed for years, yeah, they don't quite hold up anymore.

And if I'm honest, some.

Some of these lessons are a little humbling, some are freeing, and a few of them, they're kicking my butt just a little bit.

Living our best life.

It's good to be alive.

But it's best to truly let your spirit bright celebrate the journey every single day.

Aging with Grace and Style in our homes Special.

Hey, friend.

Welcome back to Aging with Grace and Style.

I'm Valerie Hatcher, and I am really glad that you're here.

Today's episode is a little different.

Instead of diving into one specific topic, I want to share something more personal.

Things that I'm learning in this season of Life.

And here's what I want you to know right up front.

I'm 60ish, and I'm still learning.

I don't have it all figured out.

Some days I feel like I'm getting it right, and other days I'm a complete mess.

But I think that's part of what makes this season so interesting.

Because after decades of living, working, raising kids, building relationships, just all of it, you'd think we have everything figured out by now, right?

But the truth is this season is teaching me things that I didn't know I needed to learn.

And some of these lessons, like I said before, they are kicking my butt a little bit.

So let me ask you something.

What is this season of Life trying to teach you right now?

Not what you learned 10 years ago, not what you think you should have figured out by now, but what lesson keeps showing up over and over again?

Because if you're like me, life has been trying to get your attention lately.

So today I want to share some of the big things that I'm learning.

Not because I've mastered them, but.

But because I'm in the middle of them.

And maybe, just maybe, you're learning some of these same things, too.

So let's dive in.

The first thing I'm learning is this.

I can't do it all.

And that's not a failure.

That's just reality.

For most of my life, I prouded myself on being the person who could handle everything.

Work, family, home, commitments, just all of it.

I was the dependable one, the one who got it done.

But somewhere along the way in this season, my body and my brain started saying, actually, we can't keep up this pace anymore.

And I fought it at first.

I pushed through, I try harder and had more coffee.

But what I'm learning now is that limits aren't weaknesses, they're just information.

My body is telling me when it needs to rest, my mind is telling me when I'm overloaded.

And instead of ignoring those signals and powering through, I'm trying to actually learn.

There was a point recently where I just stopped posting as consistently.

Not because I didn't care, not because I didn't have anything to say, because you know, I usually have something to say.

Or it wasn't because I wasn't interested, but it was because I was overwhelmed with so much on my plate.

I had to learn to pull back.

And you know what?

The world didn't fall apart when I started saying, I can't take that on right now.

People adjusted and life went on and I felt better.

So I'm learning to be more intentional about what I say yes to.

And that means saying no to some things.

Which leads me to the next lesson.

I'm learning that saying no doesn't require an explanation, a justification, or an apology.

No is a complete sentence.

For years I over explained every no, I can't because I have this thing.

And also my schedule is crazy and maybe next time I'm so sorry.

I wish I could.

But what I'm learning now is that all of that over explaining comes from guilt.

Guilt that I'm letting someone down.

Guilt that I'm not being helpful enough.

Guilt.

Guilt that people will think I'm selfish.

But here's the thing.

Protecting my time and energy, it's not selfish, it's necessary.

And I think a lot of us, especially as women, we've spent our whole lives being accommodating, putting others first, not making waves.

And look, there's nothing wrong with being kind and helpful, but when it comes at the expense of our own well being, that's a problem.

I've been in situations where I felt like I needed to say yes just to be seen as helpful, even when it didn't make sense for me.

So I'm practicing saying no without the guilt spiral.

Sometimes it's just I can't make that work or that's just not going to fit in my schedule.

No elaborate excuse, no apology tour.

And honestly, most people don't push back as much as I thought they would.

And the ones who do well, that tells me something important about the relationship.

This is sometimes still hard for me.

I'm not going to pretend that I've mastered it, but I'm getting better at it.

And the more I practice, the easier it gets.

Now here is something that I am really wrestling with, and that's rest.

Not just sleep, but actual rest.

And learning that it's not lazy.

It's required.

For most of my life, I've operated on this push through mentality.

You're tired, push through, you're sore, push through, you need a break, suck it up and keep going.

And for a long time, that worked.

Or at least I thought it did.

But what I'm learning now is that my body doesn't recover the way it used to.

When I'm tired, I'm actually tired.

Not just I need a cup of coffee tired, I mean bone deep, my body is asking for rest tired.

And if I ignore that signal and just push through anyway, I pay for it.

Not just the next day, but sometimes for several days.

My body is telling me that we need actual rest, not just less activity.

The hard part is that rest feels lazy to me, like I should be doing something productive.

Even on days off, I find myself thinking, well, I should be organizing something, writing something, trying to figure something out, or I really should tackle that project.

But what I'm learning is that rest isn't the same as doing nothing.

Rest is active recovery.

It's how my body repairs itself.

It's how my mind processes everything.

It's not a luxury or a reward for working hard enough.

It's a requirement for functioning well.

So I'm trying to build actual rest into my life.

Not just sleep, though that's part of it, but real downtime where I'm not trying to be productive or.

Or accomplish anything.

And honestly, it's harder than it sounds because I still feel guilty when I'm resting, like I should be doing more.

But I'm learning to override that voice and trust that rest is exactly what I need.

I'm also learning that living an authentic, imperfect life is better than living a perfect fake one.

For a long time, I felt like I had to have it all together, like I had to show up a certain way, say the right things, present a polished version of myself.

But that's exhausting and it's not real.

What I'm learning now is that people don't actually connect with perfection.

They connect with authenticity.

When I'm honest about my struggles, my questions, my uncertainties, that's when real connection happens, when I admit that I don't have it all figured out, people relax because they don't have it all figured out either.

And suddenly we're having real conversation instead of this surface level performance.

So I'm letting go of the need to look like I have it all together, because I don't.

And that's okay.

This doesn't mean oversharing everything with everyone.

It just means I'm done pretending to be something I'm not.

I'm done editing myself to make other people comfortable.

And honestly, it's freeing.

Here's a big one.

I'm learning that time is finite and that changes how I think about everything.

When you're younger, time feels endless.

You have your whole life ahead of you.

You can put things off and say someday, wait for the right moment.

But around 50, 60 something shifts, you start to really understand that you don't have unlimited time.

And that realization changes your priorities.

I remember a while ago my old neighbor said to me, you know, we have more years behind us than we do ahead of us.

Until then I had never thought about it, and actually it was kind of eerie to me.

But it's true.

We do have, at a certain age, like we are now our 50s or 60s, we have more years behind us than we do in front of us.

So now I find myself asking different questions.

What do I actually want to spend my time on?

Who do I want to be spending time with?

What am I doing?

That's just filling time versus what's actually meaningful.

And I'm making changes based on those answers.

That might mean letting some friendships naturally fade.

If they're not adding value to my life.

It might mean pursuing something that I've been putting off because I'll do it later.

It might mean saying no to commitments that don't align with what matters.

To me.

This isn't about being morbid or pessimistic.

It's about being realistic.

I want to live the rest of my life intentionally, not just let it happen to me.

Because here's the truth.

We don't get this time back.

So I want to make sure I'm spending it on things and people that actually matter.

And finally, I'm learning that connection matters more than achievement.

For most of my career, I've been focused on doing, achieving, accomplishing.

That's how I've measured my value, by what I got done, what I produced, what I achieved.

But what I'm learning now is that at the end of the day, what matters most is connection, relationships, community.

Being known and knowing others.

This reminds me of my recent podcast episode regarding retirement after 50 who will you be next?

One of the reasons this retirement decision is hard for me is because of the connections and the relationships that I've built with those who I work with.

Nobody's going to remember how many tasks I checked off my list or how many projects I completed.

But what they will remember is how I made them feel.

They'll remember the conversations that we've had.

They'll remember that I showed up.

So I'm shifting my focus.

Instead of asking what did I accomplish today?

I'm asking who did I connect with?

How did I show up for people that I care about?

Did I make time for real conversation?

And I'm being more intentional about building and maintaining relationships.

Not just keeping up with people on social media but but actual connection phone calls.

Which is hard for me because I talk all day at work and sometimes I don't feel like talking on the phone after work, but I have to be intentional about doing so.

Coffee dates, Meaningful conversations.

I'm also learning that connection doesn't always have to be with people my age.

Some of my most meaningful friendships right now are with women who are younger or older than me.

There's just something rich about having relationships across different life stages and honestly, prioritizing connection over achievement.

It just feels better.

It feels more human, more real.

So those are some of the things that I'm learning in this season.

And like I said at the beginning, I haven't mastered any of these.

I'm still figuring it out as I go.

Some days I nail it.

I say no without guilt.

I invest in myself.

I show up authentically.

And other days fall right back into old patterns.

I over commit.

I people please.

I hide behind the mask.

But that's the thing about learning.

It's a process.

It's not a one and done thing.

It's showing up every day, every day and trying to do a little better than yesterday.

So here's my question for you this week.

What are you learning in this season of your life?

Maybe it's one of the things I mentioned today.

Maybe it's something completely different.

But I'd encourage you to take some time and think about it.

So if this season of life has taught me anything, it's this.

We don't have to have everything figured out.

We just have to be willing to pay attention to what life is trying to teach us.

The lessons are there in the quiet moments, in the hard moments, even in the moments that don't go the way we plan.

So this week, don't rush past it.

Pay attention.

Notice what's shifting.

Notice what you're outgrowing.

Notice what's asking for your attention.

As always, we're doing this together.

And we're doing it with grace, with style, and yes, with a touch of sass.

I'll talk to you next time.

Thanks for hanging out with me today.

If you love this episode, do me a favor.

Share it with a friend and leave a quick review.

It's a small thing that makes it a big difference.

Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode.

And hey, let's keep the conversation going.

Join me at pod.agingwithgraceinstyle.com for more tips, stories, and a whole lot of connection.

Until next time, keep shining with grace, style, and a touch of sass.