Stop People-Pleasing: Discover the Freedom of Saying No

Have you ever said yes when you really wanted to say no?

Whether it was to avoid conflict, to spare someone's feelings, or because you felt guilty, we've all been there.

But if.

What if I told you that learning to say no could be the key to a more confident, fulfilling life?

Today, we're talking about the power of saying no and how setting boundaries can change everything.

Living our best life.

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Welcome to Aging with Grace and Style, the show where we embrace midlife and beyond with grace, confidence, and authenticity.

I'm Valerie, and if you're new here, let me tell you, this is the space where we have honest conversations about living your best life.

So grab your cup of coffee, your tea, whatever you want to drink.

Get comfy, and let's dive in.

In today's episode, we'll explore why saying no is so hard, the benefits of setting boundaries, and how to confidently say no in a way that honors yourself and your values.

Trust me, you're going to walk away feeling empowered and ready to reclaim your time and your energy.

So let's start by unpacking why saying no can feel so difficult.

For many of us, it's tied to deeply ingrained habits and beliefs.

So some root causes could be, for instance, fear of conflict.

We worry that saying no will upset someone or create tension in a relationship.

For many women, this fear is rooted in cultural expectations to be agreeable or accommodating.

Dating from an early age, we're taught to prioritize harmony over honesty, which makes saying no feel maybe a bit confrontational.

Then there's guilt.

There's this belief that we're being selfish or unkind if we don't say yes to every request.

Society often praises selflessness, especially in women, and we internalize this as an expectation to always be available.

Then there's the desire for approval.

We're conditioned to seek validation from others, and saying yes feels like a way to earn it.

Think about how often we equate being needed with being valued.

But constantly seeking approval can lead to burnout and to resentment.

For some of us, fear of the unknown keeps us saying yes when we want to say no.

But stepping out of your comfort zone, whether by saying no or trying something new, can be incredibly transformative.

Fear isn't the enemy.

It's often the sign that that something important is at stake.

So how many times have you agreed to help with something like volunteering for an event even though your plate was already full.

You're not alone.

We've been taught that saying no makes us difficult, but the truth is it's an essential skill for self care and confidence.

Or maybe it's agreeing to host a dinner that you really weren't up for.

Or saying yes to a last minute work project even though it meant sacrificing your weekend.

We've all been there and the aftermath is usually the same.

We're feeling stressed, stretched thin and resentful.

Does any of this sound familiar?

What's your breaking point when it comes to over committing now?

What's funny is that sometimes the hardest person to say no to is ourselves.

We overestimate our capacity because we feel obligated to be everything for everyone.

But at what cost?

What's one area of your life where you need to start saying no?

Maybe it's over committing at work or taking on extra responsibilities at home or or agreeing to social events out of obligation.

Think about a situation where you could practice this week.

And remember, you don't have to get it perfect.

You just have to start.

Small steps leads to big shifts.

We want to reframe no as a positive.

So saying no isn't about being rude or unkind.

It's about protecting your time, protecting your energy and your priorities.

Let's talk about some benefits of when you start saying no.

More often, you reclaim your time.

Every no is a yes to something else that truly matters to you.

For example, I once declined joining a committee that that would have taken up several weekends.

Instead, I used that time to work on a personal project that I that had been on my heart for years.

Saying no gave me the space to pursue something that was deeply meaningful to me.

Sometimes learning to say no also opens the door to saying yes to opportunities that excite you.

It's about balancing the two.

Saying no to what drains you so you can say yes to the new opportunities that align with your values and that bring you joy.

So take a moment to think about your week.

What's one thing that you said yes to that you could have declined?

Now imagine how you could have used that time instead.

Maybe just taking a walk, maybe reading a book, or just simply resting.

That's the power of saying no.

Now picture your calendar filled only with things that light you up or truly align with your goals.

How much lighter would you feel?

Can you tell I am pretty passionate about us reclaiming our time.

Another benefit is building self respect.

So when you honor your boundaries, you're sending a Message to yourself that your needs and values are important.

And then there's improving relationships.

So oddly enough, saying no can strengthen relationships.

When you're honest about your limits, you create more authentic connections.

Women like Rosa Parks and Naomi Asaka remind us that saying no can be a powerful act of self respect and even political empowerment.

Their examples teach us that saying no isn't selfish.

It's often necessary for change and for growth.

I used to be somewhat of a chronic people pleaser, always saying yes to everything, especially at work.

Of course I wanted to stand out.

I wanted to show them that I could do whatever I was asked to to do, and I could do it at the highest level.

I wanted to ensure that when they needed something, I was the first person that came to their mind.

Well, that actually is the case, but at times in the past, this left me resentful.

I remember one day I told someone that I couldn't do something because it wasn't my role.

Now, mind you, I did say it in a nice way, but the thing that they were asking, it was more administrative.

So I suggested that they ask their admin assistant to handle it.

Now, the person kind of seemed a bit taken aback at first, but soon realized that there were better ways that we could use our time together.

You know, the strategic stuff that I'm paid to do.

When I started setting boundaries, I noticed a shift not just in how I felt, but in how people respected my time.

Imagine what your time could look like if you felt confident saying no.

What could you make space for?

More rest, More joy, More time for the things that you love.

Here are some practical strategies for saying no with confidence.

Start with small nos.

Practice.

Maybe in low state situations like declining an invitation to something that you're not excited about.

For instance, if a friend invites you to an event that you're really not interested in, try saying thank you for thinking of me, but I'll have to pass this time.

The more you practice, the more natural it feels.

And then use clear, polite language.

You don't owe anyone a long explanation.

A simple I can't commit to that right now is really enough.

And reframe your mindset.

Remember that saying no to one thing is saying yes to something else.

Often it's saying yes to your own well being.

One helpful tool is categorizing Ask into four quadrants.

Urgent, important, urgent, not important.

Not urgent, Important, not urgent, not important.

When you start categorizing requests into those four quadrants, then you'll notice that most of the things that are pulling at your time aren't truly important.

This exercise.

It really can help you decide what gets a yes and what doesn't.

And then there's something that I'm calling empowered refusal techniques.

An empowered refusal is more than just saying no.

It's about expressing your boundaries confidently and respectfully, minimizing the likelihood of offense or pushback.

For example, instead of saying I can't say I don't, as it reinforces your personal rules or your habits, I have put together some sample scripts that you can use in case you're unsure of what to say.

I've gotten pretty darn good at saying no.

Let's start.

One is thank you for thinking of me, but I'm not able to help at this time.

Or that sounds great, but I need to prioritize other commitments right now.

Another is, I'm flattered that you asked, but I'll have to pass.

Another I'm focusing on fewer commitments right now, but I really appreciate you thinking of me.

Or that doesn't work for me, but I hope it goes well.

Practice saying no it might sound kind of weird, but if saying no really feels awkward to you, then practice in a mirror or maybe with a friend.

The more you rehearse, the easier it will feel when the moment arises.

So let's talk about overcoming the guilt that you might feel.

It's normal to feel guilt at first, but remind yourself that guilt doesn't mean you're doing something wrong.

It means that you're stepping out of your comfort zone and into a more empowered version of yourself.

For example, I once turned down an obligation because I needed to rest.

At first I felt guilty, but afterwards I realized how much better I could show up for others when I took care of myself.

Here's an exercise you can try Take a journal and write down three recent situations where you wish you had said no.

How could saying no have changed the outcome for you emotionally, physically, or mentally?

I challenge you to try to say no once this week to something that just doesn't align with your goals or your values.

Pay attention to how it feels and how the other person responds.

You might be surprised.

Remember, you don't have to get it perfect.

You just have to start.

Today we unpacked.

Why saying no feels so hard?

The incredible benefits of setting boundaries and how to confidently say no in a way that aligns with your values.

It's not about shutting people out.

It's about making room for what truly matters.

Every time you say no to something that doesn't serve you, you're saying yes to yourself and that is one of the most empowering things that you can do.

I want to challenge you this week.

Practice no in one situation.

Start small and notice how it feels and if this episode resonated with you, share it with a friend who might need to hear this too.

There are a lot of people out there who struggle with saying no.

Here's to setting boundaries, reclaiming your time, and living with confidence.

Until next time, Keep shining, keep thriving, and keep saying yes to what truly matters.

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