Has Your Life Outgrown the Plan? Rethinking Success in Midlife

Have you ever looked at your life and thought, wait a minute, whose plan am I following?

Because somewhere along the way, many of us developed a picture of how life was supposed to go.

Build the career, raise the family, buy the house, save for retirement, stay productive, keep everyone happy, try not to gain too much weight, and apparently maintain a skincare routine involving 14 products.

Incorrect order.

We had a plan.

But what happens when that plan no longer fits the woman you've become?

What if you're still working towards something you don't really want anymore?

What if you've changed, but your plans haven't?

Today, we're talking about how to recognize when your life has outgrown the plan that you made for it, and why Changing that plan doesn't mean you failed.

It might mean you finally know yourself well enough to choose differently.

Living our best life it's good to be alive, but it's best to truly live.

Let your spirit fly.

Celebrate the journey every single day.

Aging with Grace and Stuff Style in our own special way.

Hey, sunshine.

Welcome to Aging with Grace and Style, the podcast for women who are ready to live this season of life with confidence, purpose, and a little bit of sass.

I'm your host, Valerie Hatcher.

Around here, we have honest conversations about getting older without becoming old in our thinking.

We talk about the changes, the opportunities, the funny parts, the uncomfortable parts, and all the things nobody bothered to put in the instruction manual.

Whether you're at home with your coffee, driving to work, taking a walk, or hiding somewhere for five minutes because everybody seems to need something, I'm glad you're here.

Now let me ask you again.

Has your life outgrown the plan you made for it?

Because sometimes the problem isn't that we don't have a plan.

The problem is that we're still following one that expired years ago.

Most of us didn't formally write a complete plan for our lives.

There probably wasn't a binder labeled my My Entire Future, complete with tabs and table of contents.

Although some of my fellow planners, and as a matter of fact, probably my best friend, may have come close, but we still had expectations.

Some came from our families.

Some came from the women we watched growing up.

Others came from our culture, community, faith, or the time in which we were raised.

We absorbed ideas about what a successful woman should do.

Go to school, find a stable career, get married, have children, buy a home, work hard, be a good wife, mother, employee, friend, daughter, and church member.

Keep everything running, try not to complain.

And please look presentable while doing it.

I think I can almost check most of those off the list.

Even if your life didn't follow that exact path, you probably carried some picture of how things were supposed to turn out by this age.

I'll accomplish this once the children are grown.

Life will settle down.

Once I reach a certain place in my career, I'll feel successful.

Once I have enough time, money or confidence, then I'll go do what I really want to do.

But life has never shown much respect for our timelines.

Children grow up and they still need us just differently.

Careers change, relationships change, parents age, bodies change, priorities shift.

Opportunities arrive early, late, or wearing an outfit we don't even recognize.

And sometimes we reach the life we worked so hard to build only to realize that we changed while we were building it.

Now, that doesn't mean the original plan was bad.

It may have been exactly right for the woman you were at that time.

But a plan that served you at 35 may not fit you at 55 or 65.

You wouldn't expect to wear every outfit you bought 20 years ago, even if you can still get into it.

And congratulations if you can.

That doesn't mean that you want to wear it now.

Some plans are like that.

They technically still fit, but they don't feel like you anymore.

We often think something must be terribly wrong before we are allowed to change direction.

The job has to become unbearable.

The relationship has to fall apart.

The stress has to affect our health.

The situation has to become so uncomfortable that no reasonable person could question why we changed it.

We want evidence.

We want witnesses.

We want a closing argument strong enough to convince a jury.

But sometimes nothing is dramatically wrong.

Something simply no longer feels right.

You may still be good at your work, but you no longer want to give it the same amount of your life.

You may still care about an organization or a responsibility, but recognize that it's time for someone else to carry it.

You may still love the people in your life while realizing that the role you play with them needs to change.

Or you may have spent years dreaming about a particular goal, only to discover that reaching it no longer excites you.

That can be confusing, because we know what to do when something is broken.

We fix it.

But what do you do when life looks fine from the outside and still feels slightly off on the inside?

We start by paying attention now.

Every difficult Tuesday is not a sign that you should quit your job, sell your house, move to an island, and open a little shop by the water.

Although depending on the Tuesday and island may sound pretty good.

But when the same thought continues to return it deserves your attention.

I don't want to live at this pace anymore.

I want to use my time differently.

I miss having something that belongs to me.

I'm not excited about the goal I'm working toward.

I've become good at a life I'm not sure that I still want.

Those thoughts don't automatically tell you what to do.

But they may tell you it's time to ask better questions.

And sometimes the honest answer is that you've outgrown a dream, not because you weren't capable of achieving it, but because you're no longer the woman who wants it.

Maybe there was a position you once wanted, but after seeing what the role required, you realized the title wasn't worth what it would cost you.

Maybe you always imagined owning a large home, but now you don't want to clean, maintain or pay for all of that house.

Maybe.

But you planned to turn a talent into a business.

But the moment you try to monetize it, the joy disappeared.

Maybe you imagined retirement filled with constant travel.

But now your idea of a wonderful week includes your own bed, your favorite coffee cup, and absolutely no airport.

You are allowed to honor the woman who had the original dream without requiring yourself to chase it forever.

She made the best plan she could with the information, the desires and the responsibilities that she had.

But you know things now that she didn't.

You know what drains you.

You know what energizes you.

You know that more money isn't always worth less peace.

And you know, or at least you're learning, that changing your mind isn't always a sign of inconsistency.

Sometimes it's a sign of growth.

Now, the good news is that outgrowing an old plan creates room for new possibilities.

Some possibilities weren't included in your original plan because they didn't exist yet.

Others weren't visible because you hadn't become the woman capable of recognizing them.

We sometimes criticize ourselves for not starting sooner.

I should have done this 10 years ago.

I wish I had discovered this when I was younger.

Why did it take me so long to figure this out?

But would you have been ready 10 years ago?

What you have had, the confidence, what you have had, the experience, what you have had which you have understood.

What you wanted or what you absolutely did not want.

Maybe it didn't take too long.

Maybe it took the life you live to prepare you to see the possibility.

And that possibility doesn't have to be enormous.

A new chapter doesn't always mean a new career, a major move, or a dramatic reinvention.

It may mean making new friends, taking a class, returning to a creative interest, traveling somewhere you've always wanted to go, volunteering for something you care about.

It may mean starting a morning routine that doesn't begin with checking email.

It may mean creating a garden, even if history suggests that plants should be slightly nervous around you.

And trust me, that's me, I do not have a green thumb at all.

Or it may mean finally admitting that you don't enjoy something that you've been pretending to enjoy for years.

You don't need one grand calling to create a meaningful life.

Sometimes you simply need enough curiosity to ask, what else might fit me.

Now, your definition of success may have meant more responsibility, a larger paycheck, an impressive title, a bigger house, or a fuller calendar.

Now, success may mean having more control over your time.

It may mean waking up without immediately feeling behind.

It may mean maintaining your strength and independence.

It may mean having enough energy left for the people and interests that you care about.

Or success may be finally learning to say, I can help, but I can't take that over.

Our definitions of success should mature as we do.

A peaceful life may not receive much applause.

A spacious calendar doesn't come with a trophy.

No one sends flowers because you stopped volunteering for every committee.

But if your definition creates a life that is healthier, more honest, and more aligned with what matters to you, then it counts.

Now let's make this practical.

You don't need to resign, relocate, reinvent yourself, or make a dramatic announcement.

After listening to this episode, I simply want you to conduct a Does this still fit?

Check.

Think of it as trying on parts of your life the way you might try on clothes in your closet.

Some still fit beautifully, some need a little adjustment.

Some technically fit but you already know you are never wearing them again, and a few should have left the house years ago.

Here are five questions to consider.

First, do I still want this, or have I simply wanted it for a long time?

When you imagine achieving the goal, do you feel excited or mostly obligated to finish what you started?

Second, am I doing this because it fits me or because people expect it from me?

Other people may be comfortable with the role you've always played.

That doesn't mean you're required to play it forever.

Third, what am I continuing simply because I'm good at it?

Being talented at something can make it difficult to step away because people value your contribution.

But competence isn't a lifetime contract.

Fourth, what have I become curious about?

Now pay attention to what you keep reading about or talking about watching or imagining.

You don't have to turn it into a business.

You don't even have to be good at it.

You're allowed to explore something simply because it interests you.

And fifth, what would I change if I didn't have to explain it?

That's the one.

Would you work less?

Travel more or less?

Stop pursuing a particular goal?

Spend more time alone.

Begin something other people may not understand.

We still have responsibilities, and our decisions affect the people that we love.

But this question can help us separate what we genuinely want from what we're doing to avoid other people's opinions.

And remember, recognizing that something no longer fits doesn't mean you have to throw away your entire plan.

You may not need to leave your career.

You may need better boundaries around it.

You may not need to end a friendship.

You may need an honest conversation about how it has changed.

You may not need to abandon a dream.

You may need to change the timeline or the way you pursue it.

You can experiment before you commit.

Take the class without enrolling in a whole degree program.

Explore the idea without ordering 500 business cards.

Do people use business cards still anyway?

Protect one evening a week before rebuilding your entire schedule.

You may simply be in the fitting room.

And sometimes it takes trying on several things before we find what works.

That's true for life and for genes.

Unfortunately, neither process is as quick as it should be.

Now, as we close, think about one part of your life that you've been questioning.

Your work.

Your schedule.

A responsibility.

A role you've played for years.

A goal you've been pursuing.

A dream you've been carrying.

Ask yourself, does this still fit the woman I am today?

Not the woman I used to be.

Not the woman other people need me to remain.

Not the woman I thought I would become, the woman I am now.

If the answer is yes, wonderful.

Keep moving forward with greater confidence.

If the answer is mostly.

But something needs to change, pay attention to what needs adjusting.

And if the answer is no, you don't have to make a dramatic decision today.

But you should be honest enough to stop pretending it fits perfectly.

The plan you made for your life wasn't a mistake.

It helped you make decisions, accomplish goals, survive difficult seasons, and become the woman you are.

But a plan is supposed to serve your life.

Your life isn't supposed to remain trapped inside an outdated point.

You're allowed to update it.

You're allowed to remove goals, add possibilities, change the timeline and leave a few spaces blank.

You're allowed to want something different even when nothing is terribly wrong.

You're allowed to discover possibilities that the younger version of you never knew to include.

That isn't failure, that's life.

And hopefully it's growth.

Thank you for spending this time with me today.

I would love to know what came to mind as you listened.

Is there a plan, a goal, expectation or role in your life that may no longer quite fit the way it once did?

Come find me on Instagram @iamvaleriehatcher and share your thoughts.

And if this episode made you think of another woman living by an outdated plan, send it to her.

And if you want a little more help figuring out what still fits, I've got something for you.

It's called the Midlife Reset and it's completely free.

Just pop your email in@ValerieHatcher.com and it's yours.

A few simple tools to help you navigate the season with a little more clarity and confidence so you're not just reflecting today, you're actually moving forward with it.

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It helps more women find these conversations and become part of our community.

I'll see you next Tuesday.

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Until next time, keep shining with grace, style and a touch of sass.