Why Asking for Help Is So Hard for Strong Women

I have a confession.

I am much better at giving help than I am at asking for it.

Need me to help you figure something out?

I'm your girl.

Need me to research something, find a resource, make a phone call, come up with a plan?

Absolutely.

Give me a problem.

And apparently I think that I have been personally assigned to solve it.

But when I need help, suddenly I'm trying to figure out 17 ways that I can handle it myself before I finally admit, okay, I might actually need somebody.

And I don't think that I'm the only woman who does this.

Because when you've spent years being the capable one, the dependable one, the one that people call, asking for help can feel a whole lot harder than it should.

Welcome to Aging with Grace and Style, the podcast for women who are navigating this season of life with confidence, curiosity, and a little humor.

Because sometimes you just have to laugh at this stuff.

I'm Valerie Hatcher, and around here we talk about what it really looks like to get older, keep growing, and create a life that feels good to you, not one where you have to pretend you have everything figured out.

And today we're talking about something that I suspect a lot of us could get a little better at asking for help, not giving it.

We're good at that.

Receiving it.

That's where things get interesting.

I've been thinking about this more lately because my mom has needed a little more support, and like a lot of daughters, my first response was, okay, what do we need to do?

And just like that, I was in full fix it mode.

Research, phone calls, resources, list options, backup options, and probably a list containing.

Containing all the backup options, because apparently the first list wasn't enough.

That's what I do.

If there's something that needs to be figured out.

My first instinct is, let me figure this out.

And there's nothing wrong with being capable or resourceful.

The problem comes when capable quietly turns into, I should be able to handle all of this myself.

Those are two very different things, and I've had to remind myself of that, because sometimes the strongest and smartest thing you can say is, I can't do every part of this by myself.

I think asking for help can be especially hard when you spent most of your life being the person everybody depends on.

You know who you are.

You're the one that people call when they need advice.

You're the one who remembers things.

You're the one who finds the numbers, makes the reservations, figures out the next steps.

You're the one saying, okay, here's what we're going to do.

And honestly, there's nothing wrong with that.

It feels good to know that people can depend on you.

I spent years working in hr.

Solving problems was literally part of my job.

Somebody brings you a problem and you don't say, wow, that's terrible.

Good luck with that.

You figure out what to do.

But after years of being the problem solver at work and in life, that can become part of your identity.

I'm the helper.

I'm the one who handles things.

So when life hands you something you can't neatly handle alone, it can feel really uncomfortable.

And then there's the other thing we tell ourselves.

Well, I don't want to be a burden.

I don't want to bother anybody.

They've got their own stuff going on.

I'll figure it out.

But here's what I had to ask myself.

When someone that I love genuinely needs help and comes to me, do I think, good grief, why is this woman bothering me?

Usually not if I can help.

I'm glad she called.

So why do I automatically assume everybody else is sitting somewhere thinking, lord, here comes Valerie needing something.

We give others permission to need us.

Maybe we need to give ourselves permission to need them sometimes.

And listen, when I say I'm bad at asking for help, I mean I am really bad at it.

Recently I was dealing with something and I needed prayer.

And even with that, my first thought was, I've got it.

I can pray about it.

Bob and I, we can pray about it.

And of course I can't pray for myself.

But at some point I realized I. I don't have to be the only one praying.

So I reached out and I shared what was going on with four people that I trust and asked them to pray with me and for me.

And you know what?

It felt good.

Not because the situation instantly changed, not because anyone swooped in and fixed anything they couldn't, but it felt good simply knowing that I wasn't carrying it by myself anymore.

There were four other people calling my name in prayer, and I thought, valerie, why was that so hard?

Sometimes help isn't somebody coming over and doing something for you.

Sometimes it's simply letting somebody know you need them standing with you.

And maybe that's part of what receiving looks like too, because relationships aren't supposed to work in only one direction.

Sometimes I help you, sometimes you help me.

Sometimes we are both a mess and we order food.

That's life.

Now I understand that sometimes we don't ask because we've asked before and it didn't go well, maybe somebody disappointed you.

Maybe they minimized what you were really going through.

Maybe the help came name with strings attached.

Maybe something that you share privately didn't stay private.

And after something like that, it's easy to decide.

Never mind, I'll just do it myself.

But one person handling your vulnerability badly doesn't mean everybody will.

It may simply mean you need to be thoughtful about who you ask.

Everybody doesn't get the call.

That's wisdom, too.

There's a Bible story that came to mind while I was thinking about this.

And don't worry, I'm not about to turn this into Bible study because y' all know that's really not my lane.

But there's a story in Exodus where Moses has to keep his arms raised during a battle.

Eventually, his arms get tired.

So Aaron and Hur helped to hold them up.

That's the part that stuck with me.

His arms got tired.

Somebody helped.

He didn't suddenly stop being strong because he needed somebody to hold his arms up.

And maybe some of us need to give ourselves that same grace.

Sometimes you're the one holding everybody else up.

And sometimes your arms, they get tired.

Let somebody help.

It doesn't revoke your strong card.

So how do we actually get better at this?

I think part of it is learning to make the ask specific.

Instead of saying, I need some help, ask for the actual thing.

Can you pick this up for me?

Can you take care of dinner?

Can you sit with Mom Thursday afternoon?

Or even, can I call you tonight?

I don't need advice.

I just need somebody to listen.

We've all heard somebody say, let me know if you need anything.

And usually people genuinely mean it.

The problem is we say, okay, thank you, and then never call them.

I know I do.

Well, maybe we need to start taking people at their word.

You said she'll let you know.

Okay, I'm letting you know.

Thursday, 2 o'.

Clock.

Don't disappear now.

And then when somebody says yes, can we please skip the apology tour?

Are you sure?

I feel terrible.

You really don't have to.

I hate asking.

I'm so sorry.

I promise I'll make it up to you.

Ma', am.

They already said yes.

Try this instead.

Thank you.

I really appreciate it.

And then let them help.

Maybe they won't do it exactly the way you would.

And that's okay.

Done differently is still done.

And don't supervise the help so closely that you might as well have done it yourself.

I may or may not still be working on that one.

The other thing I'M learning is that you don't need one person to be everything.

You need a bench.

I love thinking about support.

This one you have the person who listens, the person who's good at figuring things out, the person who will actually show up and help, the person who makes you laugh.

And we all need that person.

The person you can call and say, I don't need you to fix it.

I just need to say it out loud and she understands the assignment.

One person doesn't have to fill every role.

Your husband doesn't have to be your husband, girlfriend, therapist, researcher, event planner, and personal comedian.

That's a lot of jobs for one man.

Your best friend doesn't have to be the answer to every problem either.

Know who's on your bench, and hopefully you're on somebody else's, too.

I think this is where all of this lands for me.

If you spent your life being strong for other people, it can feel strange to let somebody be strong for you.

But think about this.

If you're always the helper, if you're always the person saying, I've got this, the people who love you never get the opportunity to say, I've got you.

And I think that's the part I've had to learn.

Not how to become less capable, not how to hand everything over to somebody else.

Just how to let people love me back.

Because asking for help doesn't mean I can't handle it myself.

Sometimes it simply means this particular thing is heavy and I don't need to carry all of it by myself.

There is a difference.

So if asking for help is hard for you, especially if you spent years being the person everybody else depends on, maybe we need to rethink what strength looks like.

Strength isn't always carrying everything.

Sometimes it's knowing when something has gotten too hard to carry alone.

And underneath every task, there's really a yes.

Yes to support, yes to rest, yes to letting somebody love you back.

So here's my question for you this week.

What's one specific thing you could use someone's help with right now?

And who's one person?

You can ask one thing, one person.

We're not rebuilding an entire support system by Tuesday.

And when they say yes, so say thank you.

Remember, we're not going on an apology tour.

If this episode made you think of another strong woman who's always helping everybody else, share it with her.

Maybe she needs the reminder that she gets to receive, too.

And if you're ready to go a little deeper, grab my free midlife wellness reset book.

It's waiting for you@ValerieHatcher.com until next time, Take care of yourself.

Let somebody help you every once in a while.

And remember, you're not lost.

You're still unfolding, and you're not meant to unfold alone.

Thanks for hanging out with me today.

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Until next time, Keep shining with grace, style, and a touch of sass.