My “No More” List: 4 Things I’m Done Doing After 60

A question for you.

What are you just done doing?

Not trying to improve, not working on, not putting on your list of things to revisit next year?

I mean, done.

Because I realized this week that I have a few things.

No more apologizing for taking up space.

No more saving the good perfume.

No more shrinking to make other people comfortable.

And no more saying, I'm too old for that.

And you know what?

It felt good saying those things out loud.

Because I think one of the benefits of getting older is that eventually you start figuring out what deserves to come with you and what has been taking up space for entirely too long.

And I've got some things that I'm ready to leave right now where they are.

Living our best life.

It's good to be alive, but it's best to truly let your spirit bright celebrate the journey every single day.

Aging with grace and style in our own special way.

Welcome to Aging with Grace and Style, the podcast for women who are navigating this season of life with confidence, curiosity, and a little humor.

Because sometimes you just have to laugh at this stuff.

I'm Valerie Hatcher, and around here we talk about what it really looks like to get older, keep growing, and create a life that feels good for you, not one based on somebody else's idea of who you should be at this age.

And today we're making a list, not a to do list.

Lord knows I have enough of those.

This is a no more list, and by the end of this episode, I want you to have at least one thing that you're ready to put on yours.

This whole thing started because I was scrolling and I saw a creator doing her own version of a no more list.

You know how scrolling goes.

You're just going to look for 5 minutes and then 45 minutes later.

Apparently you live there now.

But she was just looking into the camera, saying things she was done with no longer explanation.

No justification, just no more this, no more that.

And I thought, I have some things.

So I filmed my own version of that same list that morning.

Four declarations, quick, no big speech behind them.

But after I posted it, I kept thinking about those four things because none of them really came out of nowhere.

There's a story behind every no more.

Usually something you've learned, something you've outgrown, something you're tired of doing, or maybe something you finally realized you never had to do in the first.

The first place.

And I think that's one of the interesting things about getting older.

Sometimes wisdom doesn't show up as this big Revelation.

Sometimes wisdom is simply.

Yeah, I'm not doing that anymore.

So let's talk about what's on my list.

First one.

No more apologizing for taking up space.

Now, I'm not saying I'm never apologizing again.

If I'm wrong, I'm sorry.

If I hurt you, I'm sorry.

If I stepped on your foot at the grocery store, I'm sorry.

We are still going to have manners.

I'm talking about the apologies we make when we haven't actually done anything wrong.

Sorry.

Can I ask a question?

Sorry.

Can I say something?

Sorry to bother you or this might be a silly idea, but why do we do that?

And I say we because I've done it, too.

I spent more than 30 years in corporate America, over 20 something in HR.

Most of that was supporting executive leadership.

I've sat at tables where major decisions were being made.

I knew my work.

I had experience.

I had earned my seat at those tables.

And I could still occasionally hear myself softening something before I asked.

This may not make sense, but.

Well, Valerie, does it make sense or not?

Because if it does, say it.

And most of the time, I knew it made sense.

Now, I don't think every time we say sorry, it means we're having some deep crisis of confidence.

Sometimes it's just habit.

But habits are worth noticing, especially when the habit is making yourself sound less certain than you actually are.

So I've been paying more attention to the language instead of sorry, can I ask a question?

I have a question.

Look at that.

Same question.

Nobody was injured.

Instead of apologizing because someone had to wait.

Thank you for waiting.

Still gracious.

But I didn't make myself wrong when I wasn't.

And I think that's really what this one means to me.

I can be gracious without making myself smaller.

I can have something to say without apologizing before I say it.

I can walk into a room and assume I belong there instead of waiting for someone else to make me feel like I do.

No more apologizing for taking up space Number two.

No more saving the good perfume.

When I made the video, I picked up my Jimmy Choo Blossom.

It's one of my faves.

You know what I'm talking about.

It's the bottle that sits there looking pretty while you use something else because you don't want to use the good one.

Now, somebody explained the logic of this to me.

I really love this perfume.

So I'm going to make sure that I barely ever smell it, girl.

But we do this more Than just with perfume.

The good dishes, the nice candle, the outfit we're saving.

The purse we don't carry because we don't want anything to happen to it.

And some of y' all have towels hanging in the bathroom that nobody in the house is allowed to touch.

What are the towels waiting for the president.

Use the towels.

We save things for special occasions.

And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that.

But I've started asking myself, how special does the occasion have to be?

Because I'm 64, I had enough ordinary Tuesdays now to understand that a whole lot of life happens on an ordinary Tuesday.

So, yes, I can wear the good perfume to the grocery store.

Nobody in Kroger or Heb may care that I smell fabulous.

That's okay.

I care.

But I think this one goes deeper than perfume.

Because sometimes we don't just save the good stuff, we save ourselves.

I'll wear that when I lose some weight.

I'll take a trip when somebody can go with me.

I'll try that when I have more time.

I'll do it after I retire.

I'll go when I feel more confident.

I'll start when everything settles down.

And you know what I've learned about when everything settles down?

Everything is apparently not planning to settle down.

It has plenty of time.

At some point, I have to stop waiting for some future version of my life to be worthy of the things I already enjoy.

Maybe wanting to wear it is enough.

But maybe wanting to go is enough.

Maybe wanting to try it is enough.

Maybe today gets to be the occasion.

So wear the outfit, carry the bag, burn the candle, use the dishes and spray the Jimmy Choo.

I'm not saving all the good stuff for future Valerie.

She'll figure it out.

Number three.

No more shrinking to make other people comfortable.

Now, this one sounds a little bit like number one, but it's different.

Number one is about apologizing for having a voice.

This one is about what we sometimes do when somebody actually sees us.

So someone says, you look great.

And before they can even finish the compliment, girl, this whole thing, it was on sale.

I need to lose 10 pounds.

Why did that woman need all that information?

She said, you look great, girl.

Just say thank you.

Or somebody congratulates us on something.

Oh, it really wasn't that big of a deal.

Yes, it was.

You were excited about it five minutes ago.

What happened?

Or someone tells you that you did a great job, and immediately you start listing everybody who helped.

And listen, I'm a big believer.

You absolutely give people Credit.

But giving somebody else credit doesn't require erasing yourself from the story.

That's the kind of shrinking that I'm talking about.

I'll give you another example of something I caught myself doing.

So I've had people who will tell me, you know what?

I see your Monday morning boost on social, or I listened to your podcast and it was really good.

And what I found myself doing is kind of redirecting or changing the subject.

Sometimes I'll say, oh, thank you.

And then I move on.

I'm like, girl, why?

You spent the time making the post.

You spent the time recording the podcast.

And be happy if people really do listen and people like it.

I think women can become very good at this.

We know how to make sure everybody else feels comfortable.

We know how to share the credit.

We know how to deflect the compliment.

We know how to say, it's nothing.

And sometimes it really is something.

Now don't leave this podcast and become obnoxious.

That's not what I'm saying.

I'm not suggesting you walk into the next room and announce your resume.

There is a difference between confidence and arrogance.

There's a difference between taking up space and taking over the room.

There's a difference between having an opinion and believing yours is the only opinion worth hearing at this age.

Hopefully we know the difference.

What I am saying is that you don't have to reduce yourself to make everybody else comfortable.

You can be proud of something you accomplished.

You can be excited about something that's happening in your life.

You can have a strong opinion.

You can wear the bright color.

You can be the woman in the room who knows what she's talking about.

You can be kind and confident at the same time.

So here's a little challenge.

The next time somebody gives you a compliment, try saying thank you, period.

And then be quiet.

Don't explain where you bought it.

Don't tell them how much it cost.

Don't point out the flaw they didn't notice.

Don't give them three reasons why they shouldn't have complimented you.

Just say thank you.

Some of us are going to need practice with that one.

And then there's number four.

No more saying, I'm too old for that.

Now, hold on, because there are some things I'm too old for.

Let's be clear.

I'm too old for unnecessary drama.

I'm too old for shoes that hurt my feet so badly that I have to carry another pair of shoes.

And if you invite me somewhere and tell me the event starts at 10pm we're going to have to talk because apparently you and I have very different definitions of evening.

So, yes, there are some things age has taught me I no longer need.

But that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about using age as the reason we don't do something we actually want to do.

I'm too old to learn that I'm too old to wear, that I'm too old to start, that I'm too old to go there.

I'm too old to be a beginner.

Says who?

I'm 64.

I started this podcast later in life.

I've learned to film and edit videos.

I'm learning more about photography again.

I've learned technology that did not exist for most of my adult life.

And trust me, some days the technology and I are not friends.

But we're working through it.

And I wear fuchsia.

Bright fuchsia.

Not because someone told me Women over 60 should wear fuchsia.

I wear it because I like it.

That's enough.

And I think sometimes when we say I'm too old, what we really mean is, what if I look foolish?

What if I'm not good at it?

What if everybody else knows what they're doing and I don't?

What if I fail?

Now we're getting somewhere.

Because that isn't always age.

Sometimes that's fear.

And I totally understand that.

One of the uncomfortable things about trying something new later in life is that we've spent decades becoming competent.

We like knowing what we're doing.

Being a beginner again, that's humbling.

I've started looking at being a beginner differently.

Being a beginner at 60 isn't proof that you're behind.

It's proof that you're still willing to learn.

You're still curious, still interested, still open to finding out what else you might enjoy or what else you might be capable of.

So the next time you hear yourself saying, I'm too old for that, maybe stop and ask, am I really too old?

Or am I just nervous about being new?

Because those are two different things.

And if it's something that you genuinely want to try, maybe instead of I'm too old for that, try I'm the perfect age to find out.

Now, here's where I want to turn this back to you.

What's on your no More list.

And I'm not giving you homework.

Where you need a journal, three colored pens, and 45 minutes of quiet reflection.

Although y' all know I like journals.

We're going to keep it simple.

Just finish the sentence.

No more what's the first thing that comes to your mind?

No more saying yes when I really want to say no.

No more waiting for everybody else's approval.

No more keeping clothes that don't fit because I'm determined to get back into them.

No more agreeing to things and then being mad that I agreed.

That's me.

No more explaining myself to people who already decided what they think.

No more putting off something I really want to do because I'm waiting for somebody to do it with me.

No more keeping relationships going simply because they've been going a long time.

No more talking myself out of something before I even try.

And here's what I really think about a no more list.

At first it sounds negative.

No more I'm done.

I'm not doing it.

But underneath, every no more is actually a yes.

No more apologizing for taking up space is yes to using my voice.

No more saving the good perfume is yes to enjoying what I already have.

No more shrinking is yes to showing up as myself.

And no more I'm too old for that is yes to whatever I still want to discover.

That's what makes this list different.

I'm not making a list of everything I'm mad about.

I'm making room.

And maybe that's one of the gifts of this stage of life.

You start realizing you don't have to keep everything.

Not every habit, not every belief, not every expectation, not every version of yourself you've ever been.

Some things have served their purpose.

Some things never served you at all.

And some things you simply don't want anymore.

So that's my no more list.

At least the beginning of it.

Because, let's be honest, I could probably come up with a few more.

But I don't want you to make a list of 20.

Start with one.

What's one thing you're ready to say no more to?

Not because you're angry, not because you're trying to become a completely different woman by Monday, but because you've lived enough life to know I don't need this anymore.

And then ask yourself the other question.

If I say no more to that, what am I saying yes to instead?

I think that's where the good stuff is.

Maybe you're saying yes to your voice, your time, your confidence, your peace, your curiosity.

Your present life.

Or maybe you're simply saying yes to using that expensive perfume that's been sitting on your dresser for three years.

That counts, too.

If this episode made you think about something you were ready to leave behind.

Send me a message or leave me a comment and tell me you're first.

No more.

I really want to hear these and share this episode with a friend and ask her what's on her list.

That could be a very interesting conversation.

If you are ready to go a little deeper, grab my free Midlife Wellness Reset book.

It's waiting for you@ValerieHatcher.com until next time, take care of yourself.

Use the good stuff, Try the new thing and remember, you're not lost, you're still unfolding and apparently you're going to smell really good while doing it.

See you next week.

Thanks for watching for hanging out with me today.

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Until next time, keep shining with grace, style and a touch of sass.

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